Introducing Bubba
A series of gluttonous flash stories for Thanksgiving break
Over Thanksgiving break, I will roll out a series of flash stories introducing to you Bubba, a beloved character that infiltrated my life on a protracted bike tour through the wilds of Europe with my brother back in 2019. Pedaling all day will build up an appetite, but it turns out consuming a baguette plus two chocolate croissants everyday outweighs the caloric fuel we spent cycling 4000 miles from the cliffs of Dorset through the French countryside and Pyrenees to the beaches of Barcelona. Biking all day leaves a lot of time to ponder and the terminal of my thinking inevitably lead to: what will I eat next? Bubba introduced himself to me when I started lugging around three different kinds of cookies so it seemed natural for Bubba to say hello to all of you as America settles down to stress-test their guts. Bon appetit.
Bubba heaved himself from bed, one-two-three. He wore a sleeping mask and a nasal strip. He reached toward his bedside table where there was a banana bunch. He counted, by touch, one-two-three-four bananas and ripped them free. He kept two in his fists and holstered the other two in his pjs. Bubba titled his head back and yawned a deep yawn. The dregs of a milkshake being sucked through a straw. Still yawning, Bubba squeezed his fists and the bananas rocketed skyward, phoom phoom like firework shells. Bubba unholstered the other two bananas and twirled them around his finger, as skillful as any gunman in a spaghetti western, and then, one at a time, raised them to his lips and blew on them like birthday candles. He wished for birthday cake. His breath was so foul the peels wilted immediately. He gave them a squeeze too and the fruit catapulted into the air, joining the other two bananas in the atmosphere as they nosedived into Bubba’s gaping mouth. Choomp choomp choomp choomp. The bananas canoed down his chunnel. Glug glug glug glug. First breakfast.
Arms draped behind his back, Bubba took his first step. Naturally, he stepped onto the banana peel and his unseemly body teetered forward. The acute angle between his legs became obtuse and, before he dropped into the splits, he pushed off with his back leg, restoring balance to his bodily axis, which glided forward as controlled as a curling rock over a sheet of ice. He skated on the banana peel with Olympic grace into a steamy bathroom where hands from all angles attended to his pink countenance. They flossed under his folds of flesh, shampooed and coiffed his thin wisp of hair, soaped between his toes and behind his ears. This is how Bubba likes to start the day.
(The setup. Photo Credit: Ethan Goodwin.)
(Bubba’s grazing friends. Photo Credit: Ethan Goodwin.)
(Our holy trinity: fresh baguette, tinned fish, suspiciously perfect cherry tomatoes.)